Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about mental load. You know, that invisible to-do list constantly running in the back of your mind:
- The pediatrician appointment you need to schedule.
- The fact that you’re down to the last three diapers.
- Remembering which baby got which meds and when.
- Prepping for milestones, RSVPs, and nap schedules.
It’s the thinking work behind all the doing—the anticipation, the organization, the emotional labor. Moms often carry the brunt of it. And when you’re a single mom, there’s no one to split that load with. That can be both empowering and exhausting.
What Is Mental Load?
Mental load is all the behind-the-scenes work that keeps a family running. It’s planning meals while rocking a baby. It’s remembering which pacifier brand works best and when that prescription needs a refill. It’s never really clocking out.
When you’re partnered, there’s the question of how the load gets divided. When you’re not, you carry the whole thing. No mental gymnastics trying to get someone else to “just take initiative.” But also—no one to just take initiative.
The Pros and Cons of Being a Single Mom When It Comes to Mental Load
Pro: Total control.
I make all the decisions. I don’t have to explain why the nap schedule matters or debate over which pediatrician to choose. I know my kids, I know my systems, and I know what works.
Con: Total responsibility.
But that also means it’s always on me. There’s no tag-team. No “your turn.” Every bottle, every wakeup, every appointment—it’s mine to manage.
Sometimes that level of responsibility is just a quiet hum in the background. Other days, it’s deafening.
When “Help” Actually Adds to the Load
Here’s something that gets overlooked: people can unintentionally add to the load when they think they’re helping. Case in point? Mother’s Day.
With the best of intentions, people say,
“What do you want for Mother’s Day?”
“What would make you feel special?”
“What do you want to do?”
And listen, I appreciate the thought. I really do. But I make decisions all day, every day. I decide how to structure nap windows. I manage grocery lists. I schedule therapies and track ounces and make 600 tiny decisions before lunch.
So you know what would actually feel like a gift?
If someone else made a decision for once.
Tell me, “We’re picking you up at 10 a.m., dress comfy,” or “We’re dropping off your favorite dessert Sunday night—no dishes required.”
I don’t want another task disguised as a treat.
Sometimes the most thoughtful way to support a mom—especially a solo one—is not to ask her what she wants, but to see what she needs and act on it.
How Can People Actually Help Lighten the Load?
It’s not about grand gestures. It’s about taking one thing off my plate. Here’s what actually helps:
- Offer specific, low-lift help.
“I’ll bring over dinner Wednesday” beats “Let me know what you need.” - Respect the systems.
If I say we’re in asleep training phase, stick to the plan. It’s not a preference—it’s the fragile scaffolding holding my sanity together. - Own a lane.
Be the birthday reminder person. Be the one who refills the diaper stash or stocks the fridge with snacks. It’s not glamorous, but it matters.
Communicating the Load
It’s hard to let people in, especially when you’re used to doing it all. But I’ve found it helps to:
- Name it clearly. “My brain is tired from making so many decisions. Can you just handle dinner tonight?”
- Make the invisible visible. I use apps, lists, and calendars—partly for my sanity, partly so others can see just how much is going on.
- Be unapologetic about asking. You don’t have to justify your needs. You’re not “too much.” You’re carrying a lot—and it’s okay to say that out loud.
Final Thoughts
Mental load is one of those things we don’t see until we name it. And once you do, you realize just how heavy it is—and how long you’ve been carrying it solo.
So to my fellow moms—especially the ones parenting alone—your mental labor is real. And it matters.
And to the people who love us: don’t ask us what we want. Just do something thoughtful. Make a choice. Handle a detail. Take a task off our mental plate.
That’s not just support. That’s love in action.
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