There’s a version of this page that exists on about a thousand different websites. It has stock photos of women smiling beatifically at positive pregnancy tests, a numbered list of “steps to consider,” and language so carefully neutral it tells you almost nothing.
This isn’t that page.
I’m Kristen. I’m a single mom by choice to boy/girl twins. I work full-time in corporate marketing, I live in Colorado, and I made the decision to become a parent on my own at 34 after a few years of waiting for a situation that wasn’t coming. My kids were conceived via IUI with Clomid, born at 34 weeks, and spent time in the NICU. None of that was part of the plan. All of it was survivable, and on most days, genuinely great.
Here’s the real version of what this decision looks like.
What “Single Mom By Choice” Actually Means
A single mom by choice (SMBC) — also called a solo mom by choice or choice mom — is a woman who decides to become a parent intentionally, without a partner, usually through donor sperm insemination, IVF, embryo adoption, or traditional adoption.
The “by choice” part is what distinguishes this from single parenthood that results from divorce, death, or circumstance. It doesn’t mean it was easy. It means it was deliberate.
You’ll see SMBC and SMC used interchangeably. Some people prefer “solo mom” because it feels more accurate — you’re not just single, you’re the whole show. I use all of them depending on context.
How I Made the Decision
I spent two years thinking about this before I did anything about it. I was in my early 30s, in a career I’d built intentionally, and genuinely happy with my life — except for this persistent awareness that I wanted to be a parent and wasn’t willing to wait indefinitely for that to happen with a partner.
The tipping point wasn’t dramatic. It was a Tuesday in 2023 where I ran the actual numbers, looked at my life as it existed, and decided I was better off doing this on my own terms than waiting for a version of it that might never arrive.
If you’re somewhere in that decision process right now, here’s what I’d tell you:
The finances have to work. This isn’t pessimism, it’s the most important practical factor. Donor insemination costs $1,000–$2,500+ per cycle. If you need IVF, you’re looking at $15,000–$30,000+ per cycle. Pregnancy and delivery costs. Childcare — in most major metros, full-time infant care runs $2,000–$4,000/month. You need to actually model this out before you start.
Your support system matters more than you think. Not as a replacement for a partner, but because solo parenting without any external support is brutal. I have a network I’ve built deliberately. If you don’t have one, here’s how I think about building one as a solo mom →.
Your age matters medically. Fertility declines with age, and the protocols available to you shift as you get older. This is not a reason to panic — it’s a reason to not wait longer than you need to. If you’re 35+, I’d recommend getting a fertility workup (FSH, AMH, antral follicle count) before you’ve fully decided, so you know what you’re working with.
You don’t have to be certain. I’ve never met anyone who felt completely certain before starting this. You just have to get to a point where the uncertainty of going for it is less uncomfortable than the uncertainty of not.
Paths to Becoming a Single Mom By Choice
Donor Insemination (IUI or ICI)
This is the most common starting point for SMBCs who don’t have a known fertility issue. You purchase donor sperm from a licensed sperm bank, select a donor, and undergo insemination — either at home (ICI) or at a clinic (IUI).
IUI (intrauterine insemination) is the clinical standard. Washed sperm is placed directly in the uterus via catheter. Can be done in a natural cycle or with ovarian stimulation (Clomid, letrozole, or injectables). Success rates are roughly 10–20% per cycle depending on age.
ICI (intracervical insemination) is the lower-tech option. Unwashed sperm is placed at the cervical opening. Can be done at home. Lower success rates per cycle but significantly lower cost.
Read my full breakdown of ICI vs. IUI →
I did IUI with Clomid. First cycle. Twins. The Clomid increases the likelihood of releasing more than one egg, which I understood intellectually and experienced very literally.
IVF with Donor Sperm
If you’re over 38, have known fertility issues, low AMH, blocked tubes, or don’t conceive after multiple IUI cycles, IVF becomes the recommended next step. IVF with donor sperm involves retrieving your eggs, fertilizing them in a lab, and transferring the resulting embryo(s) back into your uterus.
IVF is expensive ($15,000–$30,000+ per cycle), emotionally intensive, and involves daily injections for weeks. It also has meaningfully higher success rates per attempt than IUI, particularly if you can do multiple egg retrievals and bank embryos.
Some SMBCs choose IVF as a starting point — particularly if they’re in their late 30s or early 40s and want to preserve the option of multiple children from the same donor.
Embryo Adoption/Donation
Couples who complete IVF often have leftover embryos. Embryo donation allows you to carry and birth a child who is not genetically related to you. Costs are significantly lower than IVF ($3,000–$10,000 depending on the agency/clinic), and you still experience pregnancy and birth.
Adoption
Domestic infant adoption, foster-to-adopt, and international adoption are all paths available to single women, though some agencies and countries have restrictions. The process is long, expensive, and emotionally complex — but it’s a legitimate path and a meaningful one.
Choosing a Sperm Donor
Nobody prepares you for what it actually feels like to choose a sperm donor. It is equal parts medical decision, values clarification exercise, and completely surreal experience.
Here’s how I’d approach it:
Start with medical criteria. CMV status (matters if you’re CMV negative), genetic carrier screening results, physical health history, family medical history. These are your non-negotiables.
Then consider what actually matters to you. Height, eye color, education — the stuff that feels like genetic shopping. I’ll be honest: you’ll probably have opinions you didn’t expect to have. That’s normal.
Read the profiles carefully. Most banks offer short profiles (free) and extended profiles (paid, $25–$50 each). Extended profiles include essays, childhood photos, audio interviews. If you’re seriously considering a donor, pay for the extended profile. It’s worth it.
Consider identity-release donors. An identity-release (or open ID) donor has agreed to allow donor-conceived children to contact them after age 18. Given what we know about donor-conceived people’s desire to know their genetic origins, I’d strongly recommend prioritizing identity-release donors. Read more about raising donor-conceived kids with openness →
Major banks: California Cryobank, Fairfax Cryobank, Seattle Sperm Bank, Xytex, NW Cryobank. All have different inventory, pricing, and profile depth. Most allow you to filter by physical characteristics, education, CMV status, and identity release.
The Fertility Process: What to Expect
Step 1: Get a workup. Before you start insemination, get baseline fertility testing. Day 3 FSH, LH, estradiol, AMH (ovarian reserve), and an antral follicle count via ultrasound. If you’re over 35 or have any cycle irregularities, also get an HSG (hysterosalpingogram) to confirm your tubes are open.
Step 2: Find the right provider. An OB can perform IUI, but a reproductive endocrinologist (RE) is better equipped for monitoring, especially in medicated cycles. If you’re in a major metro, you’ll have options. Look for someone who has experience with single women and doesn’t make you feel like you need to justify your decision.
Step 3: Order sperm. Timing matters. Sperm banks have processing times, and you need vials in storage (at the clinic or at a local storage facility) before your cycle starts. Don’t leave this to the last minute.
Step 4: Do the cycle. If you’re doing a natural IUI, you’ll monitor for ovulation via bloodwork and ultrasound and inseminate at the right time. If you’re doing a medicated cycle (Clomid or letrozole), you’ll take oral medication, do more monitoring, and likely use a trigger shot to time ovulation precisely.
Step 5: Wait. The two-week wait between insemination and a pregnancy test is genuinely hard. I’m not going to pretend otherwise.
When It Doesn’t Work the First Time
Most people don’t conceive on the first cycle. The success rates — 10–20% per IUI cycle — mean that statistically, you should expect to try multiple times. This is not a failure. It’s just how the biology works.
If you’re in a cycle that didn’t work: it’s okay to be devastated. It’s okay to take a month off. It’s okay to reassess your protocol. What I’d recommend against is quietly absorbing the disappointment alone without telling anyone you trust what you’re going through.
After 3–6 failed IUI cycles, talk to your RE about next steps. This might mean switching protocols, adding medications, or discussing IVF.
Pregnancy as a Solo Mom
Pregnancy is different when you’re doing it alone — in some ways harder, in some ways unexpectedly freeing. You make every decision. You have every appointment solo. You build your own support structure rather than defaulting to a partner.
Some things that helped me:
- Finding an OB practice where the providers were clearly comfortable with my situation
- Being specific about what I needed from my support network (rides to appointments, someone in the room during delivery)
- Not performing okayness when I wasn’t okay
I was also a high-risk pregnancy — twins, preterm labor, NICU stay. That’s a different article, and I’ve written it: A Day in the Life of a NICU Mom →
The Practical Reality of Solo Parenting
I’m not going to tell you solo parenting is easy. It isn’t. There’s no one to hand off to when you’re at the end of your rope. There’s no second income as a built-in buffer. There’s no one who is automatically, structurally as invested in your kids as you are.
What I will tell you is that those things are manageable. Not painless — manageable. The life I have now is genuinely good. My kids are healthy and funny and opinionated in ways that I can only partially blame Clomid for. I work full-time, run businesses, travel, hike, and show up for all of it.
The hard parts are real. The good parts are also real. Most days, the ratio is fine.
Resources I Actually Recommend
Communities:
- Single Mothers by Choice — nonprofit with forums, local chapters, and real community
- Reddit: r/SingleMomsByChoice — active, honest, not sanitized
- Facebook: Single Moms by Choice groups (several active ones)
Books:
- Choosing Single Motherhood by Mikki Morrissette — the original, still useful
- Rattled by Christine Coppa — memoir, not a how-to, but real
Sperm Banks:
- California Cryobank, Fairfax Cryobank, Seattle Sperm Bank
Fertility:
- RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association — insurance navigation, clinic finder, support
Where to Start on This Site
Wherever you are in the process, there’s something here for you.
Still deciding: How I Made the Decision to Become a Single Mom By Choice →
Starting the fertility process: ICI vs. IUI: What’s the Difference and How Do You Choose? → | Medicated vs. Non-Medicated IUI →
Already pregnant or parenting: NICU: A Day in the Life → | Talking to Your Kids About Donor Conception →
I’m Kristen. Single mom by choice to twins, based in Colorado. I write about all of this at Uncomplicated Momming because I wanted the resource I didn’t have when I was starting out. The no-fluff version.