Let’s get one thing straight: I’m not a single mom because something went wrong. I’m a single mom because I chose this.
Not because I couldn’t find someone. Not because I settled. Not because I got “left.” I made a clear, informed decision to become a mom on my own terms—and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
The Assumptions I Hear (and Why They’re Misplaced)
It usually starts with a tilted head and a sympathetic tone:
“Wow, that must be so hard…”
“Don’t you think your kids will miss having a dad?”
“I don’t know how you do it alone.”
Here’s the thing: I’m not doing it alone.
My kids may not have a dad, but they’re not lacking love, structure, or support. They have me, their grandparents, honorary uncles and aunties, and a whole community that’s invested in them. I’m raising them with intention, not by default.
So no, I don’t need pity. And I definitely don’t need judgment.
I Made Decisions That Were Right for Me
The beauty of being a single mom by choice is that I got to design my parenting life. I thought deeply about the emotional, financial, and logistical pieces. I weighed adoption vs. IUI, evaluated my fertility, and asked myself what kind of support I needed to thrive.
You know what I didn’t do? Parent a grown adult alongside my kids.
Because let’s be honest—many partnered moms are doing exactly that.
In every mom group I’m in, I see the same pattern: women overwhelmed by the mental load, frustrated that their spouses aren’t stepping up, and exhausted from carrying the invisible weight of household management.
(If that’s resonating, read my post on the mental load here. You’re not imagining it.)
The Data Doesn’t Lie
Let’s look at what the numbers say about parenting dynamics and relationships:
- Nearly 50% of marriages in the U.S. end in divorce. (Source: CDC)
- Of divorced mothers with children under 18, 80% become the primary custodial parent. (Source: U.S. Census Bureau)
- In heterosexual households, women still do 2-3x more unpaid labor (childcare, cleaning, scheduling, emotional labor) than men—even when both partners work full-time. (Source: Pew Research Center)
So while some may assume single moms are “doing it all,” many of us aren’t doing more than a lot of partnered moms—we’re just doing it without resentment or a second adult to clean up after.
I’m Not Alone, I’m Supported
My twins were born into a village. Yes, I’m their only parent, but we are surrounded by love. My parents are incredibly present, and my chosen family—friends, neighbors, “Oma and Uncle Mark,” NICU nurses who became part of our story—shows up for us in big and small ways.
It’s different from the nuclear family model, but it works. And more importantly, it feels intentional. Because it is.
Most of Us Are Not Just Surviving—We’re Thriving
I debated whether that line sounded smug or dismissive. But after talking to dozens of other single moms by choice, the theme is consistent: we’re thriving because we chose this life.
We’re financially responsible for our households—but we’re also the financial decision-makers. We carry the parenting load—but we carry it with clarity and consistency. And we don’t have to justify our decisions to a co-parent who disagrees on
Is it hard sometimes? Of course. Parenting is hard. But my hard isn’t rooted in disappointment or imbalance. It’s rooted in love, commitment, and autonomy.
Final Thoughts: Don’t Judge What You Don’t Know
If you’ve never considered what it’s like to walk this path, I get it—it’s not the norm. But the next time you meet a single mom (by choice or by circumstance), try curiosity instead of pity. Ask her what her favorite part of parenting is. Offer to hold the baby instead of offering your assumptions.
And if you’re someone who’s thinking about solo parenthood, know this: it’s possible. It’s beautiful. And you’re not alone.
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